Shen: Relationships

By Shen | Jan 2018

My name is Shen (known to others as Ivan), I Am a qualified person centred and eclectic psychotherapist specialising in many different areas of counselling including relationships.  I have come across clients who through their journeys of the waters of love have experienced an array of emotions ranging from wild tempests to cool flowing streams.  As we enter onto the new year there are a few things that would be beneficial for us to keep in mind irrespective of the type of relationship we may find ourselves in.

The issue of denial of accountability is something that is prevalent in most relationships be they on a personal, social or political level often leading to perpetual destructive relationships and for this reason I decided to write this article to begin to explore and expose this long ongoing trend of denial of mutual responsibility when things fall apart.


Mentally distracted thoughts so hyperactive, energy unable to calm down, faces often carry a frown, never seeks a self-analysis, lack of responsibility so relations are often a hit and miss, enticed by projecting blame because many are addicted to this, our inflated egos become our own nemesis, in this paradigm our intimate relationships have the risk of always being the same, our frustration of not being able to comprehend our self-denial irritates our emotions like an irritated baby, this agitation drives us crazy, indulging in substance misuse to avoid self-work because deep down we know we are simply just lazy, alcohol and drugs helps with the temporary mind block, deep inside we feel the emotional clock, tick toc, feelings progressively going cold and hard as a rock, altercations with past lovers often took too long to cool down, many times they have tried to change that sad frown, many times many have tried to replace your crown, though patience is ancient it can often lose its strength, but stubbornness often finds itself trimming off its length, constantly driving it to its death, suffocating it till it's last breath, and then we wonders why doves cry, not seeing how many past lovers have tried and tried, unable to see the many times your own  pride had lied and lied, with that, "these men/women are the same, they aint shit" as you continue acting like a misfit, forever basking in self-denial and being cruel, instead of allowing self-healing rule…

Denial of accountability

We should learn when to apply reprisal, pardon or indifference to the actions of others.

I guess at end of the day all our soul really desires is to raise our level of love much higher, but often times when we attempt to brush wings we end up being misunderstood, too embroiled in trying to live out the emotional disease, holding tight to self-pity afraid of its release, so in the continual of our the self-fulfilling prophecy we extend our hand to those who ending up rejecting us, rushing into things instead of honouring a deeper friendship often ends up in being misunderstood, leaving our actions often twisted and misconstrued, amongst the strain and Pain some of us may dream of being led by the hand to a secret garden floating on the highest cloud Where we are able to gaze deep into The eyes of our dream lover and gently kiss its aura, in this emotional theatrical drama we often fail to see the part we play in our own unhappiness and downfall of our intimate relationships. Such are the seekers of immature relationships, where many deny accountability for things not working out,  denial of accountability is when our soul knows that It takes two to build and destroy a relationship, but only one party is made to accept admit and take full accountability, whilst the other plays the role of the victim tells the apparent victimiser (in a seemingly passive-aggressive way) that that they forgive them for hurting them, but yet the alleged victim cannot see or admit the part they played in also causing a two way damage.

It is fair to say that abuse comes in many ways, shapes and sizes, abuse can manifest itself in such a sublime way often very difficult to be detected by the naked sensory perception. Abuse can also come in the form of a denial of a two way accountability, on a deeper analysis one can say that unresolved direct and indirect sexual, emotional, mental and physical abuse and trauma can also play a great part of disagreeable tension within relationships, making the perpetual animosity between partners an extremely high risk situation, growing into an on-going cancer eating deep into the very fibre of the union between two souls, and it will inevitably get worse if deep holistic healing does not occur sooner or later.

In conclusion tangling takes two, but in many cases one of both parties may be reluctant to coil. Anything less than 50% on both sides makes the 100% less. When both learn the art of sibling-like unconditional sacrifice and compromise, a positive headway isn't impossible to achieve. There is an exception to the rule that unlike forces attract. This is fundamental error individuals make with respect to human interaction. Polar opposing ideologies, when not curbed with the art of attacking the messenger (an art in short supply in most people) often leads to toxic, if not nuclear situations and outcomes. We should learn when to apply reprisal, pardon or indifference to the actions of others. Nevertheless, we should never underestimate the vital power of reciprocal respect.